It's not what you say; it's how you say it!

Honey or Vinegar?

Do you yell? One of my mom’s favorite aphorisms is: You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar.’ Isn’t that the truth when it comes to speaking to your spouse and kids? Yelling is like using vinegar when we want a "honey" outcome.

Whether you grew up in an environment where yelling was the norm or not, “Yelling at your spouse induces fear, just as it does in a child”, says Marriage Therapist, Jim Hutt, Ph.D. " If you want your spouse to think about what you say, the odds for that increase when you speak in a way that does not produce fear".

The brain reads yelling as DANGER, and it immediately goes in to fight or flight mode, says Hutt. Your spouses behavior, at this point, will probably range from yelling back/defensiveness (fight mode) to silence/withdrawal (flight mode). Neither produces a good outcome for your relationship.

If you aren’t able to express your feelings without yelling, try writing them down on paper or in an email. Your partner may “hear” you for the first time in a long time.

For additional Alternatives to Yelling, send me a post and I've send you the list.