Divine Marriages

Not Without My Family!

2010-08-27T07:29:00.001-07:00

Every day parents and spouses leave their families in the pursuit of success. In

the book, Your Road Map for Success, John Maxwell says, "It's almost as though they're

driving down the road, and they get pretty far along before they realize they've

left members of their family behind. The tragedy is that many value their careers,

success, or personal happiness more than they do their families. They decided that

it's too much work to go back, so they just keep driving. "

My husband, James, had the wisdom of knowing 23 years ago that his family was more

valuable to him than success on the job. Twice we had to make the decision to stay

together as a couple and family, or have a commuter marriage while working in separate

cities. Both times James was very firmed with his conviction that we would live

and work in the same city even if it meant having a job that brought in a little

less income. Today, I am grateful that James made the decision to put family first

because together we were able to provide a stable home environment for our son,

as well as, for our own relationship.

I truly believe that the hype of happiness at the expense of breaking up a family

is an illusion. You can't give up your marriage or neglect your children and gain

true success. As Nick Stinnet asserted more than a decade ago, "When you have a

strong family life, you receive the message that you are loved, cared for, and

important. The positive intake of love, affection, and respect .... Gives you inner

resources to deal with life more successfully."

I can personally testify how God blesses those who put family above career. James

and I have achieved much success not due to income from our respective employers,

but because of God's grace. Let me know your thoughts ....

"But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household,
he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." I Timothy 5:8

Self fulfillment or Self development?

2010-06-04T06:24:00.001-07:00

Beginning in the late 60s and early 70s, people began talking about "finding
themselves," meaning that they were searching for a way to become self-fulfilled. It's like making "happiness" your goal, because self-fulfillment is about feeling good.

But, what is really needed to reach God's given vision and dreams is self-development. Self-development is different from self-fulfillment. Sure, much of the time self-development will make you feel good, but that's a by-product, not the goal. Self-development is a higher calling: it is the development of our potential so that we can fulfill the purpose for which we were created. There are times when that's fulfilling, but other times it's not. But no matter how it makes us feel, self-development always has one effect: It draws us toward our God-given destiny.

As Rabbi Samuel M. Silver said, "The greatest of all miracles is that we need not be tomorrow what we are today, but we can improve if we make use of the potential implanted in us by God. " Think about how that line-of-thinking applies not only to your personal goals, but also to the goals for your marriage and family.

If you want real change, start with self development and self fulfillment will be come.

What do you think? Let me hear from you.

Your for a divine marriage,

Yvette

Best Way to Handle Disappointment

2010-03-27T12:34:00.000-07:00

Disappointment is like love; they both come with living. The thing I dislike most about disappointment is that it can grow into depression, if allowed. That’s the observation I’ve made this month of March. I am not sure if it’s the long winter this year or the continuation of a down economy, but for certain there is a spirit of hopelessness that is looming in our atmosphere. Just this month alone, I’ve received over a dozen of phone calls from people who are tried, unhappy, and seeking ways out of an fulfilling marriage.

Whether it be from moms who are physically and emotionally tried of running kids from here- to- there while keeping up with the demands of a home, work, and sometimes school; to fathers who see themselves trapped between a rock-and- a hard place because of unemployment, low employment, or low self-esteem, I’ve heard these phases: ‘I am not happy; I am depressed, I want a divorce.”

For many married folks, often feelings of unhappiness and depression are contributed back to the spouse. Where did the idea come from that when a married person is unhappy, it must be because of the spouse? Where I don’t believe this to be the case it does appear to be the thought pattern of many, because divorce is usually the second word spoken after ‘unhappy.’ Why is that? Do people get married hoping that their spouse will be the happy pill that forever fulfills their happy bucket? Do you think that all unhappiness, disappointments, and depression really can be contributed back to a spouse? I don’t think so. I think regardless of who we are or who we married, life will bring some levels of joy, happiness, and even disappointments. When we focus on the disappointments of life, we’re giving the disappointment the potential to grow. When disappointment grows, it appears in our lives in the form of hopelessness, unhappiness, and depression.

The other night while having dinner with a long-time friend, I heard the cry and saw the baby of disappointment. The conversation of dreams we once shared of jet setting around the world with our husbands and children had been replaced with conversation of one hopeless, one faithless, one dreamless word-after-word. Then finally she asked me this question, “How is it that these wonderful things keep happening for you?” I was silent for a moment and I wondered, does she really think that I’ve not been hunted, betrayed, or disappointed? My answer to her was simply this, “I decided long ago that I would believe God’s word, fully. He said if I trusted him (Isaiah 49:23b) I would not be disappointed. I don’t look for my husband, son, parents, siblings, friends, or job to fulfill me, to be my peace, my joy, or source of happiness. I trust God in these areas and others. And, honestly it’s His faithfulness that has allowed me to live my dreams.

Yes, I’ve had setbacks, too. And things do not always go the way I had planned, but God’s provision has exceeded even my expectations. I’ve found it impossible to stay in a state of hopelessness and disappointment when I trust God ….. so I make sure no matter how busy or hard things get, that I pray, study the Bible, and communicate with faith-minded people.” I refuse to accept anything in my life that does not line up with the word of God. So the spirit of depression, hopelessness, or giving up on my family is not welcome in my house.”
How do you handle disappointment?

What’s Wrong with Comparing Relationships?

2010-02-07T07:00:00.001-08:00

In the midst of laughing about craziness at work and little silly things happening on the home front, my girlfriend says, “ I wish my husband were like yours.” Immediately, I recalled a conversation I had with my sister Lawanda on the risk of comparisons. LaWanda said, “ I never compare myself or any part of my life with anyone or anything because regardless of my personal assessment, I run the risk of failing.”

She continued, “When I compare myself to others I will either see myself above, equal, or beneath the person, and any one of the three can be dangerous to my growth.

I couldn’t agree with her more. When we compare our marriages and families with others we run the risk of seeing our marriages as above, the same, or less than the marriage used in the comparison. Whether it’s comparing our relationships to the marriage of the President of the United States, our local church pastor, best friends, or the neighbor down the street, we enter into one of the following three danger zones.

Comparison Danger Zone #1: Better Than status: When we see our marriage relationship as being better than others, we may stop putting forth the necessary effort to maintain a thriving marriage. The apostle Paul warned us of this in Romans 12:3 when He said,’ do not think of yourselves more highly than you ought…” All good and perfect gifts come from God (and a healthy, thriving marriage is truly a gift). In enjoying the gift of a healthy marriage, keep in mind Paul’s words of not having superior attitudes of self-righteousness.

Comparison Danger Zone #2: Equal To status: A relationship viewed as being same or equal to others, runs the risk of not being all that God has called it to be. When couples become satisfied with status quo, complacency often develops which then leads into mediocrity. In other words, your marriage could have the potential of being a Rolls Royce, but you settle for a Honda because that’s what everyone else drives.

Comparison Danger Zone #3: Less Than status: The danger of rating a relationship less than others can cause the relationship to become static and steal. Water that becomes stale and static over time begins to smell bad, and motionless marriages do to! Unchecked thoughts of being less than or having less than someone else can quickly lead into ungodly thoughts and emotions like, depression, envy, or lust of all which takes a relationship on a downward spiral.

After much thought and meditation on comparing relationships, I am fully convinced that the better state for me is to know God’s plan for my marriage and focus totally on living a life that moves me, day-by-day, closer to the wife God has called me to be. When I look at my marriage, I am only comparing it to the word of God. I think this may be what the apostle Paul meant when he said, “ I am running the race that is set before me.”

I urge you not to sabotage your love life this Valentine by comparing your wife, husband, or children to someone else. Instead, focus on the uniqueness of your spouse and family as they line up with the will of God.

This Valentine’s day enjoy the love of your life!

Marriage is simply divine,

Yvette

Think Myself Happy

2010-01-02T10:35:00.000-08:00

My son, Jamison, asked me on new years eve what had I learned in 2009? Indeed there were many life lessons, but the one that came out of my spirit without thought was, ' I am responsible for my own happiness.'

I could have shared what I learned about managing money, time, health, or what I learned last year about relationships, but no, the most important lesson was what I learned about what makes me really happy and who is responsible for my daily fill of happiness.

Perhaps I learned this most as I listen to some of the couples we coached talk about how their spouses no longer made them happy. Or, perhaps the realization came as I listened to my single friends talk about how happy they will be once they meet Mr. or Miss. Right. Not really sure which day or month of 2009 that it really hit me that my happiness is not tied to my salary, bank account balance, my husband's feelings, my bosses attitude, my son's appreciation, nor my family and friends opinions. But, I am certain that I know that I know I am responsible for my happiness.

The apostle Paul must have learned this lesson too because in the book of Acts 26:2. Paul wrote: " I think myself happy." The Greek word for happy is makarios which means supremely blest, fortunate, well off, blessed. Webster defined happy as joyous, cheerful, merry, contented, blissful, satisfied, and favorable. I think Paul's message in Act 26 is that happiness is tied to how we think and how and what we think is totally in our control and totally our responsibility.

Like Paul, I've learned to think myself happy and in 2010, I plan to intentionally work on living a life where I take responsibility for my happiness ..... I know the first step is found in how and what I think. What do you think about happiness? Let me know by taking the survey below.

Yvette Gavin

It's never too late to live happily ever after

www.divinemarriages.org

Nothing Like being a Mother

2009-05-10T10:08:00.000-07:00

I’ve always wanted to be a mother. When I graduated from high school back in the late seventy’s, I wasn’t certain if I wanted to pursue a career in teaching or journalism, but I knew for certain that motherhood had to be in my future. Back then, I would say, “I might not be the best wife, or have the best marriage, but I know I will be a good mother.” In part, I knew this because I had an excellent example of a good, godly mother in my own mother.

What I didn’t realize then is that in order to be the mother I desired to be, it would require me to purposefully work on being a good wife, too. We are our childrens' first teachers and they learn first by watching what we do. As my son began to grow, I quickly realized that a healthy marriage would benefit him in ways I had not considered.

There have been times in my marriage where I’ve held my tongue when I wanted to scream, laughed when I wanted to cry, and tried again to work through issues when I wanted to give up. I was willing to work through the hardships in order to provide a loving and genuine family environment for my son. Isn’t that what all good mothers’ do? I was willing to give my marriage all I had because I believed my son deserved to have the best family and home environment possible.

This mother’s day I am reminded of the gift of motherhood and the answered prayer for a child. As we celebrate the love and dedication of mothers to their children and families, I encourage you to make your marriage a priority; it’s one of the best gifts you can give your children.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Jamison Foster Gavin’s mother, Yvette

Real Love ... What is it?

2009-02-22T08:40:00.000-08:00

Today, I officiated the marriage vow renewal for a couple James and I had the honor of coaching two years ago. This couple, along with their four children and a host of family and friends celebrated 10 years of marriage. On the surface, 10 years may not seem huge to some, but trust me when I say, this is huge. It's huge because the celebration wasn't about the survival of a legal marriage, it was all about the survival of a real, spiritual love. The difference is that some people stay legally married for years, but do not love. They go through the pomp and circumstance of appearing to give and receive real love, but deep in their hearts are roots of unforgiveness, self-centeredness, and sadness.

Real love suffers long and is kind; does not envy, does not parade itself, is not puffed up, does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Real love never fails.

Traditional marriage vows are centered around the expression of real love when a man and woman promises to love the other through the good and bad that life may bring. However, most couples fall short on executing the promise of real love.

I've coached enough couples to see first hand the negative affects of popular culture on the old and the young. A culture that promotes the attitude of 'What have you done for me lately', and 'I can do bad all by myself', has yielded a self-serving culture which gives little thought to God's definition of love as it is described in 1 Corinthians 13.

Thankfully, the couple we witnessed the 10th year marriage vow renewal moved beyond the momentary disappointments and setbacks that come to all of us whether we're married or single. Because of their willingness to accept God's love and teachings on real love, they have built a foundation on which their four children can experience and observe real love.

Real love isn't always roses. It isn't always hardship, either. It is a commitment to remain consistent in giving love, similar to how God loves, regardless of the situation or circumstance, because Real Love Never Fails!

For more information on how to love your spouse from a heart of Real Love, read my book, What To Do After You Say I Do at:

http://www.amazon.com/What-Do-After-You-Say/dp/1403370990/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1235325254&sr=8-1

Enjoy Marriage!

Yvette

Your Marriage can Thrive in 2009!

2009-01-03T09:48:00.000-08:00

There are many things I like about this time of the year, but my favorite of them all is stopping the hustle and bustle of life to relax and catch up with family and friends. Today, I had breakfast with a friend who recently celebrated her five-year wedding anniversary. I thought this would be a good time of the year for her since she has good health, a husband, a beautiful little girl, and a great job. But, I was wrong. Our entire conversation was about how unhappy and unsatified she has become with her marriage.

It's my nature to encourage people, and out of that desire to support others, I found myself giving the old knee jerk reply, " hang in there, it will get better with time." But the more I listened to the "he did this..., and I am tired of that ...", the more I realized that I had heard this story before.

Just weeks earlier, I was having dinner with a long-time friend who was saying similar things about her marriage. She was tired of her husband not meeting her needs and the needs of family. They have been married for 26 years. Then it hit me. Time in itself does not solve all problems, and longevity in marriage is not a good indication of a strong, healthy, thriving marriage.

John 10:10 says, "The thief's purpose is to steal, kill and destroy. My purpose, says Jesus, is to give life in all of its fullness. " I believe that fullness of life includes a strong, healthy, thriving marriage. Too many people are settling for just staying together, holding it together in form and fashion only. Why just survive a marriage when you can be thriving in marriage? Jesus came to this earth so that you and I can have life. But His plan wasn't that we just have life (survive), His plan included that we have a full, abundant (thriving) life as well.

If you want to move your marriage from surviving to thriving, this is the year to start living a full, abundant life. Here's a tip from Divine Marriages to get you started:

Thriving Marriage Tip:

Start the new year off by asking your spouse the following question:

1. How can I better meet your needs this year?

Never stop asking your spouse this important question. All of us change in one way or another whether we want to admit it or not. Needs and desires will change over time. When couples assume they know what is best or what is wanted by their spouse, they miss a great opportunity to keep the marriage fresh, innovative, and growing.

When you ask your spouse the question, " How can I better meet your needs?," be prepared to really listen with a humble, servant attitude. Don't ever fall into the rut of thinking, "what I am doing now is good enough."

For all seven tips for a thriving marriage in 2009, email me at ygavin@comcast.net and I will send you all seven tips.

What are you doing to keep your marriage thriving? You can help others by posting your ideas and response to this blog.

Enjoy Marriage,
Yvette